


What A Thing To Misplace

by GenerallyHuxurious (GallifreyanOmnishambles)



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Anal Play, Body Modification, Body Part Kinks, Comedy, Comedy of Errors, Crack, Dildos, Discovery, How Do I Tag, Improvised Sex Toys, Inappropriate Use of the Force, M/M, Masturbation, Misunderstandings, Misuse of the Force, Oral Sex, Sex Toys, detachable penis, no really
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-21
Updated: 2016-12-21
Packaged: 2018-09-10 23:22:28
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,629
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8943550
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GallifreyanOmnishambles/pseuds/GenerallyHuxurious
Summary: Kylo Ren wanted to become one with the Dark Side. So he used the Force to literally remove carnal distractions from his life. Meanwhile Hux finds a very realistic, very responsive, dildo hidden in a closet. Of course General Armitage "Sex Toy Connoisseur" Hux puts it to good use.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by this [KyluxHardKinks prompt](http://kyluxhardkinks.tumblr.com/post/150381287031/detatchable-junk-inappropriate-use-of-the-force)

Hux had found the box behind a crate of office supplies. When he stopped to think about it later he didn't actually know  _ why _ he'd opened it. All things considered it was a pretty uninteresting container- matt black, unmarked and roughly the size of his forearm. It was just an unusual thing to find in a supply closet where every item bore some variation of the First Order logo.    
  
Of course, when he  _ had _ opened it, all thoughts had flown of his head for a good ten minutes while he stared in fascination at the contents. He'd almost touched it then and there- certainly would have done if Lieutenant Mitaka hadn't come in looking for the spare neck braces at precisely the moment he reached out. Hux nearly broke his own fingers in his haste to slam the box shut before the young Lieutenant saw the contents.    
  
He'd been swept up in the usual drama of dealing with Kylo Ren's particular brand of fallout then, so he forgot all about the box sitting in his desk drawer where he'd stashed it until the end of his shift.    
  
He blushed crimson when he saw it, and immediately resolved to skip dinner in the mess hall just to get back to his quarters immediately and study it in detail. Indeed he was so intent on his personal mission that he didn't even bother to confront Kylo Ren when he passed him in the hall.   


* * *

Kylo had been feeling antsy all day. His control had been far better recently, ever since he'd separated himself from the potential source of his emotional issues.    
  
Of course even after he'd removed it from his daily life he couldn't very well risk disposing of it. There was still a chance it  _ wasn't _ responsible and then he'd have gotten rid of it for nothing. No, much safer to have one of his Knights hide it somewhere safe. That way he wouldn't be tempted to retrieve it too soon, but he could get it back if he needed it.    
  
Still, something had set his nerves on edge earlier, like a cold breeze up his spine and he'd lashed out at some officer or other as a result. He should go and meditate on his actions. Perhaps that would help.   


* * *

  
Hux locked his quarters, set the box delicately on the bed and, wiping his sweaty hands on his pant legs, knelt to open it.   
  
It really was the most amazing reproduction he'd ever seen. And that was speaking as a man who owned in excess of a hundred sexual devices, some of them custom cast to his own designs. Still, this was astonishingly realistic.    
  
Finally giving into temptation he ran a fingertip along the length of it and gasped.   
  
Of course, he'd seen the quality of some of the packers and prosthetics available to his trans colleagues, but those had always warmed with proximity to the body. This was still hot to the touch despite being shut in a box all day.    
  
He wondered if it was sensitive to light. Perhaps it was a photochemical reaction.    
  
Furtively he glanced around his bedroom, oddly concerned about someone observing him in his locked private quarters. Reassured that he was alone, he reached into the box and carefully removed the object, supporting its weight with both trembling hands.   
  


* * *

  
Across the ship Kylo Ren wriggled uncomfortably.   
  


* * *

  
It was the single most accurate rendering of a flaccid human penis that Hux had ever seen. Uncut and a decent six inches long with a girth that fitted snuggly in his closed fist, it even had a pair of dark moles by the base and a smattering of coarse dark hairs on the attached scrotum. If it hadn't felt warm and had a smooth base Hux would have assumed it had been amputated from someone.    
  
Slowly he ran his fist up the length, fascinated by the smooth movement of the reproduction foreskin. Truly this was someone's masterpiece.    
  
A little more forcefully he pulled his hand back, exposing the velvety smooth glans. The entire thing spasmed in his hand.   
  
Surprised, Hux lost his grip and it dropped onto the floor tiles with a meaty slap.   


* * *

“Ah! Pfassking hell!” Kylo groaned, folding double and clutching at the stinging balls he no longer had in his possession.

What the fuck was going on? Here he was, trying to become one with the Dark Side and suddenly he felt like someone had slapped his cock with a paddle! Usually he had some kind of warning about that kind of thing- such as being naked in someone's room and having had a discussion about safe words first

Yes, he had felt a few strange impressions over the last few minutes but he'd been able to ignore them. Or he had until the pain. Now he was suddenly intensely aware of every sensation. 

It felt like his cock was being turned over by chilly fingers that poked and prodded in the most unarousing way. Or so he tried to tell himself. His foreskin was being manipulated back and forth over the head while another, slightly warmer, set of digits fondled his sac. It was almost like his testicles were being rolled like worry balls. It should not have turned him on, but when had anyone last touched him with such intense interest? 

He could feel himself hardening with the attention, and wasn't that a strange sensation? What felt like a fingertip suddenly pushed against his urethral slit. Kylo felt a drop of precome drool from the sensitive opening followed by a moment of weightlessness.

He howled at the second wave of pain.

* * *

Holy kriff, it was so well made it was even self lubricating!

Hux realised he should move onto the bed before he explored any further. He'd dropped it twice in surprise now and it would be a terrible shame if he broke such a lovely object as this.

He was halfway under the sheets when it occurred to him that the floor wasn't terribly sanitary.

* * *

If the second slap was a shock it's nothing compared to the sudden blast of ice cold water.

The problem with being a Force adept is that phrases like ‘he levitated in surprise’ become all the more literal.

It took several minutes of distracted flailing for Kylo to get his feet under him, the process being very much hindered by the vigorous rubbing over his genitals and the unexpected sting of soap getting in where it shouldn't be.

Someone had stolen his penis! They'd stolen it and now they were torturing him with it!

He needed to contact his Knights and find out where they hid it if he had any hope of ending this torment.

Striding across the room for his comm unit, Kylo’s knees abruptly buckled under him, dropping him to the tiles.

_ Was that a tongue?! _

* * *

 

Really, what else could he do with such a magnificent reproduction? Well, obviously he could do  _ that _ , and he  _ would _ do that, just as soon as he was finished preparing his arse. But he had a free hand and the lubricant he'd sampled from his fingers was a delightful mix of salt and spice, so why not?

Giving head was one of his greatest pleasures and at least this way he wouldn't have to deal with anyone ruining his hairstyle in the process. Frankly it was ideal. He'd have to see about commissioning some more dildos for just this purpose, perhaps made with flavoured latex? Or edible lube… would liquid chocolate pass through a cumtube? He'd have to find out.

Hux hummed happily to himself as he fucked the back of his own throat with the hot hard length. Perhaps he could just have a cock or two cast from chocolate. He snorted at the idea of a literal cream filling. If he did that he could eat them when he was done. Unthinkingly he bit down on the toy. 

He almost suffocated when it jumped in his grip.

* * *

The Knights of Ren were having a hard enough time understanding their sweating, panting and slightly cross-eyed Master. The part where he fell to the floor clutching his cock and screaming Corellian curses really didn't help.

* * *

Okay so biting was off the table for this particular object. He'd have to make a note of that.

It must have very sophisticated sensors under the synthflesh to react so realistically. The poor thing had gone half flaccid in his mouth, the testicles huddling up in their sac almost like they scared of him.

Hux hoped it hadn't actually been programmed with a personality. He understood the temptation for manufacturers to do that and the connection some lonelier users managed to make with their products. But he'd made that mistake once and ended up with a needy sexbot haunting his quarters for months just after he graduated the academy. He'd ended up spacing the thing after it got jealous of him networking with the command staff. There was nothing to put a young man off a good railing like being watched by a pair of resentful photoreceptors. 

Still, the advanced sensors reacted just as well to a determined and messy blow job as they had to his teeth, and the dildo was soon achingly hot and hard in his hands once more. Hux felt slightly ridiculous to be treating a construction to the best of his technique but it was responding so wonderful to the low slow strokes of his tongue that he'd almost forgotten about the three fingers buried in his arse. Well, one more lick and then he'd get it inside of hi…

Hux blinked his golden eyelashes in distaste, dislodging some of the splattered lubricant in the process.

It really was  _ VERY _ realistic, though the sheer quantity of synthetic cum now decorating his face was a little at the extreme end. Though he supposed that if one was building an ideal replica penis it would be a waste not to make it a gusher.

Still, premature ejaculation wasn't sexy.

And he wouldn't have bothered programming it to go soft afterward either. That was just frustrating. If he'd realised it was going to accurately simulate an orgasm he'd have gotten it in his arse ages ago.

Oh well, he'd just have to get it hard again.

Hux licked the tip again and then groaned in frustration. Programming it to go flaccid was an irritation, but programming post-orgasmic sensitivity was just stupid.

* * *

The Knights stared at each other to avoid looking at the moaning, writhing form of their Master. It wasn't that they objected to a dirty comm call as such, it was just that usually the one making the call actually involved them in the act, rather than apparently having sex with the air. It was more than a little awkward.

“Are you ok, Master?” Ikvar Ren asked once Kylo finally stopped twitching.

Tanma Ren clicked something obscene but the others ignored him.

“Romon? I need to know what you did with my penis.”

If a static mask could convey a look of terrified horror then Romon’s would have done. Instead it turned in a slow arc to look blankly at their companions before turning back to the comm screen.

“Master, I haven't touched your penis! Not recently at least…”

“The box I gave you? To hide?” Kylo prompted.

“You put your  _ dick _ in a  _ box _ ?!” Trjah Ren gasped.

[You're just jealous it wasn't your box.] Tanma clicked, nudging her in the ribs.

“You can leave my cunt out of this!” She hissed while the others giggled.

“I uh, gave it to M’di.” Romon said a little sheepishly. “I was… busy.”

“With about fifteen stormtroopers and a security droid,” Trjah muttered.

“Well I gave it to Ikvar.”

Kylo groaned.

Ikvar shrugged. “I gave it to Tanma.”

Everyone turned to look at Tanma. Tanma studied the ceiling in detail.

“Tanma?!” Kylo asked without any hope.

[I’m thinking…]

“Pfassk…”

* * *

Hux stared at the ceiling. This was infuriating. Who the fuck would build a refractory period into a sex toy?!

He was so hard it almost hurt, and his arse was getting cold from all the lube he'd used to stretch himself, but he still wasn't going to resort to some other toy while he stroked himself off. It was the principle of the thing. He had wanted to fuck himself with that beautiful responsive replica and now nothing else would do the trick. 

He glared at it where it lay on the black bedsheets in a little puddle of lube. The shaft was still slightly flushed towards the head but the scrotum had mostly relaxed. Maybe it would be ready again by now.

Briefly Hux wondered if it would need refilling. There'd been an awful lot of cum splashed across his face and hair. But the balls were quite large. Presumably the fake ejaculate was stored there in the absence of a prostate. He'd have to run a diagnostic scan before he attempted a refill. It wouldn't do to shove a syringe into the faux urethra on an assumption and break the delicate sensors.

He trailed one admiring finger along the underside vein, tracing it down to the soft dark line that divided the delicate sac. It really was a beautiful replica. It should be treated with care. He ran the finger back up towards the frenulum and grinned when it twitched. 

Slowly the synthflesh began to fill out again.

* * *

[... well… I had it in the level seven gym…] Tanma was enjoying this. Far too much. Kylo tried to concentrate but still jumped when a phantom fingertip tickled his balls. [... and I still had it in the mess hall… what did I do after that…]

Kylo groaned, half from frustration and half from the fist eagerly pumping his cock back to full hardness.

[... oh yes! That cringing little Lieutenant walked by daydreaming about you choking him while the six of us fucked him senseless. To I dragged him into a supply closet and gave him a free sample… I don't think I had the box after that…]

“What?!”

They'd left his cock in a supply closet. Anyone could have it now!

“Which closet?”

[...uh the one with the box of barabel flavoured condoms…]

“Oh, the one to left of Hux’ office!” The rest of the Knights said in unison.

“Why is this a thing you all know?” Kylo asked, mildly horrified while he clung to the console in front of him. Something warm and tight was pressing against the head of his cock now.

“Why not just use the Force to find your cock?” Ikvar suggested, unwilling to reveal the threesome she'd had with Captain Phasma and the surprisingly vigorous Colonel Datoo in that particular closet. “I mean it's part of you, so you should be able to sense it as a very small but powerful Force user, right?”

Tanma made the disgustingly wet noise that signified laughter as Kylo protested against the ‘very small’ comment.

* * *

“Ooooh yessssss….” Hux moaned into his pillow as the corona breached his hole with a soft pop. It was exactly the right size. Just wide enough to give his slightly… okay, very well trained arse a good workout without pain. It was beautifully hot and he could swear he could feel a heartbeat against his fingers where he gripped the base.

“Ahhhh….” It was such a good length, enough to hit his prostate perfectly while he kept a tight grip on the base. He had to be careful not to pull on the balls too much, the synth flesh connecting to the shaft was too delicate. It really  _ was _ realistic, not the disconcertingly hard L shaped base of most dildos with bollocks attached. In those cases they acted more like handles that the deliciously slapping free weights he’d always loved best. This was better.

It was a shame there was no way he could get the entire thing into him without risking losing the whole cock portion inside himself. He supposed he could pull it free again by the balls, but that might damage them.

The size queen portion of his soul insisted he'd have to build some kind of harness to attach the whole thing to the floor so he could fuck the entire erect eleven inches deep into his arse… his own cock jumped at that, spilling precome down his thigh. Pfassk that would be amazing.

He was so fucking close.

Pushing up onto all fours (well threes since one hand was pumping the dildo into his greedy hole like there was no tomorrow) he let himself moan like the needy Arkanian whore that he was, confident that no one would hear him at this hour of the day.

Oh but what if someone did? Whatever would they think of him?

That was enough for his mildly exhibitionist soul to come screaming.

Which was why he didn't hear the override code being used on the door to his quarters.

* * *

Kylo had staggered more than ran across the Finalizer. The command quarters were scattered across the ship to prevent too many losses in the event of an attack, but he knew instantly who had his cock once he sensed it was all the way at the other end of the ship.

That obstinate bastard Hux had insisted on putting Kylo’s quarters as far away from his as physically possible and now he had Kylo’s cock jammed in his surprisingly loose but lovely ass. 

Which was really the problem when it came to getting his cock back. What was going on felt fucking amazing. 

Kylo had managed to jam his helmet over his sweating face and pulled the top layer of his robes over his meditation gear, but he couldn't really control his body well enough to pass through the corridors unnoticed.

It felt amazing part from the fact that he was already desperate to come again but couldn't. The pace was all wrong. There was a hand gripping the base of his cock too fucking tight instead of the fluttering ring of Hux’ hole. His balls kept catching on calloused fingers instead of slapping against Hux’ perineum the way Kylo would have liked. His body kept trying to counter all of that with random thrusts of his hips that threatened to trip him up in front of any passing stormtroopers. It was humiliating.

He was concentrating so hard on not falling that he almost tottered right by Hux’ quarters. Once he'd doubled back he had to cling to the doorframe while he keyed in the override. Hux had changed the angle and the speed, his passage clenching in a way that suggested…

Kylo tumbled through the door just as Hux came, his thin body flushed pink and glistening on the bed as he streaked the bedsheets with white.

“ **HUX!!!** ” 

In retrospect shouting was a mistake. 

Kylo watched in painfully aroused horror as Hux lost his grip and his gorgeous spasming hole dragged his cock ever deeper. He came at exactly the moment when the root of his penis vanished into Hux’ body entirely.

* * *

Kylo Ren was in his room and screaming at him! Kylo Ren. In his helmet, yoga pants, and a ratty t-shirt that read ‘looking for love in Alderaan places’. Kylo Ren, his worst enemy, watching him come with a replica cock stuffed up his arse.

He was so surprised by this sight as he bucked through his orgasm that he lost his grip on the dildo. He groaned as it slipped beyond his rim, then gasped when it spasmed and filled his arse with a frankly excessive amount of hot cum. He couldn't help it. He came again.

Mysteriously Kylo was bent double in the doorway gasping and groaning through his vocoder. Was the sick bastard getting off on this? Because Hux certainly was.

“Give me back my penis!” 

Hux was never sure why his contrary nature chose that moment to surface but something made him reach back and push one of the balls into his twitching hole. It swallowed it happily, like a string of slightly furry anal beads.

“Sorry, but this is mine now,” Hux gasped as he shoved the second one into himself and felt his arse filled to the brim with warm toy and hot seed. “You’ll have to have another one made.”

“Did you just?!?” Kylo sounded stunned. “You did! You utter bastard! I can't get one  _ made _ ! That's my actual cock! My flesh and blood!! Give it back this instant!!!!”

Hux stared at him in horror as he strode into the room, reaching for a saber he thankfully didn't have…

There was nothing for it.

Leaping from the bed like the Arkanis Academy 400 Metre Bollock Naked Sprint champion that he was, Hux snatched up his greatcoat and ran. 

It should have been difficult to run with 6” inches of flaccid cock, a pair of balls and a ton of semen in his arse, but six foot three of angry Sith was more than motivation enough.

* * *

Sipping his cocktail at a beach side bar on Scarif, the highest paid medical officer in the entire First Order raised his glass in mocking toast to Emperor Hux.

The holo projection of his coronation made him look very intimidating indeed, especially with Kylo Ren hovering like a bird of doom at his shoulder. 

But it was damn near impossible to fear any man once you'd had to remove a rectal foreign object. Doubly so when the object in question is the magically detached penis of the man crying in the next bed. Though of course if they'd actually told him what it was, he might have been a bit gentler with the forceps. 

Really, he wouldn't have minded quite so much if it had only happened once.


End file.
